An Ordinary Day

I woke up this morning and I felt heavy.. tired.. preoccupied. It was odd because there is nothing going on in my life right now to put me in that mood, but nonetheless it was there. I tried to shake it off and went through the grey snowy day feeling lethargic and slow. And then it hit me… it was February 25th.. Of course..

Even though it might seem like just an ordinary day to most people.. to me, February 25th is the day I lost a very good friend of mine in Milwaukee WI. His name was Aaron Tanner and he was just 27 when he was shot and killed in broad daylight on just another Sunday afternoon.

Aaron and I went to high school together and just like most high school kids, sometimes we loved each other, some times we hated each other – but somewhere in between we forged a meaningful friendship that lasted longer than I think either of us had imagined.  Even though he teased me and punched me and endlessly picked me up and deposited me in the sink of the boys bathroom (cuz I was REALLY small then), he was a good friend to me when I needed him, and there were times when I needed him a lot. In a way, we became family and I made sure to be his rock through some really hard years.

It’s so strange to think back to those years we shared together, both of us just trying to figure out how to get through the awkwardness of life. I never thought for one second that he wouldn’t get the chance to grow up and discover who he was – accomplish his dreams – get married – have a family.. all of the things we daydreamed about as kids. At that age it seems like we’ll all live forever.. invincible.. frozen in time.

When I decided to move to NY, most of the people in my life were against it. They were scared for me – convinced I would get eaten alive. There was no way a young girl from WI could go to NYC without getting mugged or shot on the streets – that’s what it was like on TV. But there was one person in my life who encouraged me, supported me and in many ways helped me find the strength to go. Aaron Tanner. He was scared too… so scared in fact that the day before I left he gave me a pep talk telling me what NOT to do if something went wrong in NYC. There is one point within that conversation that will haunt me for the rest of my life. He said to me,  “if someone tries to mug you, don’t run.. just give them your wallet… your wallet is not worth your life.”

Several years later, I got a phone call letting me know that Aaron had been murdered by 3 young boys who pulled up to him on the street, got out of the car, pointed a gun in his face and tried to steal his wallet. Instead of giving it to them, he ran .. and they shot him. Minutes later he died. The boys weren’t even 18 years old.

“your wallet is not worth your life”..

It had been a few years since I had spoken with Aaron. We’d had a small falling out because he was on a bad path for a while and I couldn’t bear to watch him self destruct. But just weeks before he died, I had heard he had turned his life around and was on his way to becoming a composer for video games.. he was engaged.. he was happy. We were both trying to get in touch with each other to reconnect. Never getting that chance was heartbreaking. And then I found a letter he had sent me when I first moved to NYC. A letter I have saved and somehow kept with me through all of the moves and transitions in my life.  A letter I will always keep close to my heart. In it he said….

“Inside this envelope you should find a check for $25.00. I have always wanted to go to NY and buy a sandwich at a deli and get a cup of coffee. I was hoping you could go to a deli and get that sandwich and write back to me on how it was. Or you can spend the money in another way, you MUST however spend it on something that will make you happy ok? I hope you will not forget how deeply I feel towards you and that you are being safe!! DO NOT get too relaxed. I don’t want to have to worry about you. And one more thing, if you are ever in trouble, need money, airfare, clothing, a soft shoulder, that’s what I’m here for. Don’t hesitate to ask.

Ps.. Men err as long as they do strive” – (God to Satan in Faust) – in essence – DO NOT GIVE UP!! I am proud do have you as my friend”

This is the reason my first album was dedicated to Aaron Tanner, and that he is thanked in every album I have made and will ever make. When I get depressed, I think of his words and his love and I keep going.. sometimes for him, and sometimes for me. I will never know why he didn’t take his own advice that fateful day. Regardless, this day, February 25th will never be just an ordinary day. I suppose I will always wake up feeling heavy in my heart, for it is the day I lost a dear friend.

In memory of Aaron Thomas Tanner – 2/25/2001